Hi, my name is Zuzana, I am 43 years old and I have been undergoing treatment for breast cancer since April 2018.
But let's start from the beginning.
In February 2018, in the evening while taking a shower, I felt a lump in my right breast. I hadn't panicked yet because I was diagnosed with a cyst in the same spot two years ago, so I reassured myself that it was nothing serious, just an enlarged cyst. "I can't have cancer," I told myself. Me, who tried to eat healthy, play sports, not smoke. But mostly I'm a nurse, and it doesn't concern us nurses...
As time went by, the breast started to hurt and by always having smaller breasts, the lump became visible even when I was just lying on my back. By this time, the worm of doubt was gnawing at me, so I made an appointment for an early sonogram (scheduled for May). I got an appointment for March 21, the day of my 40th birthday. The doctor there didn't like it anymore and immediately scheduled me for a mammogram and biopsy. I still believed it would be good. But the truth is, I already kind of knew how it would turn out...
On the morning of 5.4. I went to get the biopsy result in a good mood and my head full of thoughts for the afternoon run and did not believe my ears when the doctor told me the diagnosis. You have cancer!!! Unfortunately, all three samples were confirmed to contain cancer cells. My world came crashing down, the helplessness and hopelessness I felt is beyond description. My first thought was, what about the girls, how are we going to put this all...?! My husband's first reaction when he found out the result was: "don't worry, we'll get through it", even though we didn't know what to expect, because I think cancer is all about the psyche. Being a mom, it was important for me that the girls learn about the disease from me and not from a stranger. I'm not going to lie, telling that news to someone close to me and especially to my children was a very emotional and exhausting experience.
Early in my treatment, I met Jana. Jana is a few years older than me and at that time she had just finished treatment for breast cancer. I don't remember much about our first meeting, I was still in shock about the biopsy result. However, I remember her sentence: "Now it's up to you how it all turns out, if you decide to live, you will live, if you decide to die, you will die" very well.
And so I made a "Buddy" out of my illness and talked to her and talked her into going somewhere else.
It was nighttime, I had finished my 2nd chemo treatment, and by 3am I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. I started thinking about writing a blog to keep myself from going crazy. But when you post it, you get all exposed and I wasn't mentally ready for that. The turning point came in August, when I said enough is enough and went out with my skin on the market, because the skeletons were starting to come out of the closet for me too in the form of mental health issues. I created an instagram profile called Prsavsupliku (breast in the drawer) and started writing about how the treatment was going, the joys and sorrows of life as a cancer mom...
I'm currently 2 years in remission, I've had three surgeries and although I'm not a carrier of the BRCA 1 and 2 gene mutation I decided to have my ovaries removed as a precaution. After 18 months of medical leave, I returned to work part-time.
Now, with hindsight, I know it's important not to lose my shit!!!!
I often think about what the disease took from me and gave me. It took away 18 months of carefree life, but it gave me so much more. I started to like myself as I am, I learned to think more about myself and to say NO!!! But most of all, I started living, not surviving.
What's the end of it? Live in the present and here, because you never know what tomorrow will bring...?!
- Zuzana J.
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